What If It’s Not About the Food? | A Norwich Counsellor Explains

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Michelle was beautiful, not just physically, but in the way she thought, spoke, and related to others. She was funny, kind, and seemed to know exactly what to say at the right moment. She was a deep thinker and insightful in a unique way. But she never felt it for herself.

Whatever she did, it was never enough. If she ran two miles today, it had to be three tomorrow. If she ate “well” today, she had to do the same, or better, the next. The goalposts kept moving. Even when she reached her goal weight (more than once) the same feelings of inadequacy remained.

Nothing changed, because the way that she felt about herself didn’t change.

So, it’s not just what you do. It’s how you feel about yourself.

You can strive, achieve, and push yourself forward. But how do you feel when you wake up in the morning? How do you feel when you’re alone? Before you start something new, meet someone new, or start a new challenge?

Do you only feel okay when you’ve achieved something? Or can you feel at ease in moments where nothing is being proved?

I don’t believe any eating behaviour is inherently bad in itself.

You can track calories, restrict, eat past fullness, eat “clean,” or eat ultra-processed food, and none of these behaviours alone define a problem. What matters is the meaning behind them.

Are you doing what you’re doing because it brings you joy? Or because you’re trying to fix, control, or make yourself acceptable?

Is food, or the control of it, becoming a way to try to like yourself and your life?

How you feel about yourself, and your life, is where the work really begins.

Why trying to control your eating might be making things feel worse | A Norwich Counsellor Explains

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Why trying to control your eating might be making things feel worse

If control worked, it would have worked by now.

You tell yourself today will be different. You’re going to be “good”. You’ll get your steps in, drink the water, track everything. At first, perhaps you feel steady; Contained, reassured, peaceful, maybe even hopeful.

But by mid-afternoon, something shifts. The cravings come in; persistent, hard to ignore. You have some chocolate.

And almost immediately, something else follows. A wave of guilt. Anxiety. A sense that something has gone wrong. From there, the rules lose their footing. The day takes on a different shape. By evening, you might feel full, uncomfortable, and disconnected from yourself.

And so the cycle continues.
On, off. Trying again. Starting over.

When I sit with clients, I’m often reminded of that game where you guide a metal loop along a wire.
The aim is simple: don’t let it touch the sides.

But the moment it does, you can hear a loud beeping noise. Argh. Back to the beginning.

It’s tense, asks for constant precision, and it’s exhausting to sustain.

So it can be worth asking:

When did this need for control begin?
What was happening at the time?
What does “being in control” actually mean to you?

Because, what if your patterns of eating aren’t failures?

What if something in you is trying to respond: to soothe, to regulate, to manage something that feels difficult to contain? To find joy when life feels heavy? Or grounding when life feels like it’s too exhilarating?

Our relationship with food can tell us a great deal about our relationship with ourselves.

In my experience, our relationship with food is the tip of the ice berg. It’s a symptom, not the problem in and of itself. For example, if you restrict, you might be feeling lost and overwhelmed. Or if you binge, maybe you might need release and more creativity in your life. There might not be a clear answer in this moment, but it can be worth pausing to reflect on what we might be trying to experience outside of a different body type.

When things feel uncertain, or overwhelming, how do we meet ourselves in those moments?

And what might we learn if, instead of tightening control, we became a little more curious about what’s underneath?

Because it may not be about food at all. It may be about how we’re trying to find peace.

Disordered Eating and Attachment: A Relational Perspective

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When I think about disordered eating in my work, I often notice an emphasis on eating behaviour as something that needs to be altered and controlled.

Meal plans.
Movement changes.
A focus on doing things “right.”

Alongside this, I often find myself thinking about something else: how someone relates to themselves, to others, and to their emotional world.

Looking beyond food

During my Understanding Your Eating core training with Julia Buckroyd, I was introduced to the idea of understanding eating in relation to attachment.

Since then, I’ve often noticed that when I meet a new client, there can be a certain level of predictability in how early relationships relate to a person’s current relationship with food.

This offers a lens, rather than an explanation.

Attachment Theory explores how our early relationships shape the way we experience:

  • closeness
  • safety
  • emotional need

Over time, we develop patterns, often outside of awareness, around:

  • whether it feels safe to rely on others
  • how we manage distress
  • how we respond to our own needs

These patterns continue into adulthood, shaping how we relate to others and to ourselves.

Attachment patterns (in simple terms)

Broadly speaking, attachment can show up in a few different ways:

Secure
Relationships tend to feel stable and predictable. There is often a sense of self-worth, and an ability to seek support when needed.

Anxious
Relationships can feel uncertain. There may be a fear of abandonment, and a tendency to become highly attuned to others in order to maintain connection.

Avoidant
Relationships may feel overwhelming. There can be a tendency to suppress emotional needs and rely heavily on oneself.

Anxious/Avoidant
A mix of both: seeking closeness, and then pulling away when it begins to feel intense.

Where eating patterns fit

Eating patterns often show up in response to emotional experiences.

Before a binge, restriction, or strong urge around food, many people notice a shift in how they’re feeling.

Food can become a way of:

  • soothing distress
  • creating a sense of control
  • moving attention away from difficult emotions

There is also a biological element, eating and restriction can both influence endorphins, which can temporarily shift how we feel.

Over time, these eating patterns can become familiar ways of responding.

How attachment may shape eating

This is not a set of fixed categories, but a way of noticing patterns:

Secure attachment
Feelings are more tolerable, and support can be sought when needed. Eating tends to feel more intuitive and less emotionally driven.

Anxious attachment

  • heightened emotional intensity
  • sensitivity to relationships
  • difficulty self-soothing

Eating may become a way to regulate distress, particularly when linked to loneliness or relational triggers. Patterns can feel cyclical.

Avoidant attachment

  • emotional suppression
  • discomfort with dependence
  • strong self-reliance

Eating may become more controlled or restrictive, with a sense of distance from hunger cues.

Anxious/Avoidant attachment

  • conflicting needs around closeness
  • emotional overwhelm

Eating patterns may feel more changeable, with cycles of different behaviours and a strong sense of internal tension.

Making sense of it

This way of thinking can help bring understanding to something that often feels confusing.

Many people experience shame in relation to food and their body. When eating patterns are viewed in the context of emotional experience and relationships, they can begin to feel more understandable.

Over time, this can support a shift towards:

  • recognising emotional needs
  • understanding patterns more clearly
  • developing a more compassionate relationship with yourself

A therapeutic perspective

In my work, I don’t focus on identifying a specific attachment style.

Instead, I support people in understanding themselves more deeply, and in coming into a more compassionate relationship with who they are.

Very often, the relationship someone has with food has developed for a reason, and that reason is often survival.

It can be helpful to explore:

  • what you are feeling
  • what you might be needing
  • what the behaviour is doing for you

A final thought

Eating problems are more common than people realise.

They can be understood, and they can change.

With time, it is possible to develop ways of relating to yourself and your needs that feel more steady and supportive.

Disordered Eating and Person-Centred Counselling

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My work is primarily focused on disordered eating. In this blog, I offer a short overview of how person-centred counselling can support those experiencing it.

It’s helpful to begin with a shared understanding of what we mean by an eating disorder. The National Health Service defines eating disorders as “a serious, treatable mental health condition characterised by disturbed eating patterns, such as extreme restriction, bingeing, or purging, paired with an obsession with weight, body shape, or food.”

Importantly, the NHS also emphasises that eating disorders are not simply about food. They are ways of coping with distress that can have significant physical, emotional, and social consequences.

In that sense, eating disorders are not really about food. They are about finding a way to manage something that feels overwhelming.

It can be helpful to think of eating, weight, or the body as a kind of scapegoat. If there is something external to focus on, something that feels controllable, it can offer a sense of structure or even relief. If my distress can be explained by my body, then I have something concrete to work on, something I can try to fix.

For example, after a painful breakup, it may feel easier to focus on changing your body than to sit with loss, rejection, or grief. The hope might be: if I change my body, my life will change too. Often, the desire to change our bodies is not really about appearance, and rarely about health. It is more about wanting to feel differently: more in control, more secure, or more acceptable.

Where does person-centred counselling come in?

Person-centred counselling is a way of working that places you at the centre of your own experience.

Rather than focusing on fixing behaviours or giving advice, we work together to understand what sits underneath them. This means creating space to explore your thoughts, feelings, and experiences, particularly those that may sit outside of food.

There is no shortage of advice when it comes to eating disorders. Many people arrive at counselling already carrying a wealth of knowledge about what they “should” be doing. What is often missing is not information, but space; to think, to make sense of what feels overwhelming, and to understand how your relationship with food and body image may be helping you cope.

In a person-centred approach, you are not treated as a problem to be solved, but as a person to be understood. As that understanding develops, your relationship with yourself can begin to shift. From there, change can start to feel possible.

There is much more that can be said on this topic. If you’re struggling with your eating behaviours, you’re welcome to get in touch through my Counselling Directory profile.

Do I Need Counselling? A Norwich Counsellor Explains

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Many people looking for counselling in Norwich ask this question. They wonder whether their difficulties are challenging enough to talk to someone about.

I think this is a great question.

My initial thoughts are: what constitutes a need, and what constitutes a want? When does something become essential, and when is it simply something that might be useful? How do you know when the desire for support becomes urgent, and does it have to be urgent in order to be worth having?

To begin answering this question, it might be helpful to consider what counselling offers.

Counselling can provide:

  • A safe space that is focused entirely on you and your life.
  • A weekly, consistent place to discuss and process what matters to you.
  • The knowledge that you will be respected, cared for, and rooted for.
  • A relationship with someone whose only aim is to walk alongside you.

With that in mind, we might think about the times when that kind of space becomes particularly helpful, or perhaps even essential.

For example:

  • When you feel stuck or overwhelmed, unsure where to turn or what the next steps in life might be.
  • When you feel like you’ve tried many options but are becoming exhausted or discouraged.
  • When significant relationships break down and you’re experiencing heartbreak, conflict. You might benefit from someone you can talk about the same person or situation without ever being told to “move on.”
  • When you notice yourself repeating the same patterns again and again, perhaps feeling caught in cycles around food, smoking, gambling, or other behaviours you wish you could change.
  • When you feel lonely or isolated, even if there are people around you.

These are just some of the reasons people come to counselling.

However, even if nothing major is happening in your life, it can still be valuable to have a space to talk, to understand yourself better, and to make sense of your experiences.

You don’t have to be struggling deeply or in crisis to come to counselling. There is no pressure to arrive with difficult problems or to justify why you are there. You might come simply to reflect, to explore, or even to celebrate parts of your life.

However you arrive, you are welcome.

Many people imagine that you need to be in crisis to begin counselling. In reality, people often come because something simply doesn’t feel quite right in their lives.

If you’re curious about counselling, you’re very welcome to contact me for an initial conversation. As a person-centred counsellor in Norwich, I offer a warm and confidential space where you can explore whatever feels important to you.

What Happens in Person-Centred Counselling? A Norwich Counsellor Explains

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What Happens in Person-Centred Counselling? A Norwich Counsellor Explains

If you’re thinking about starting counselling, you might be wondering what actually happens in a session.

You might be unsure what you’re supposed to say, whether you’ll be judged, or what the counsellor will expect from you.

These are completely natural questions.

In this article, I’ll offer a short introduction to person-centred counselling, and what it can feel like to sit in the room together.

A Different Kind of Conversation

Person-centred counselling can feel quite different from what people expect.

You don’t need to prepare anything in advance. There’s no pressure to explain everything clearly, and there’s no “right” place to start. You can begin wherever you are.

Sometimes that might be something that happened this week. Other times it might be a feeling you can’t quite put into words yet. That’s okay too.

“Will You Tell Me What To Do?”

This is one of the most common questions people have.

In person-centred counselling, I won’t tell you what to do or give direct advice.

Instead, my role is to listen carefully, without judgement, and to understand your experience as fully as I can.

The idea is that, when you feel truly heard, something begins to shift. You may start to understand yourself more clearly, and from there, find your own way forward.

What Does a Session Feel Like?

Sessions are shaped around you.

I aim to offer a warm, supportive, and non-judgemental space where you can speak openly about whatever is on your mind.

There may be moments where I reflect things back to you, or offer a prompt if you feel stuck. At other times, there may simply be space to think, feel, and process.

There’s no pressure to fill every silence.

You Are the Expert in Your Own Life

At the heart of person-centred counselling is a simple belief: you are the expert in your own life.

Even if things feel confusing right now, or you’re unsure what you need, there is value in your experience and your perspective.

My role is not to lead, but to walk alongside you as you make sense of things in your own way.

Taking the First Step

Starting counselling can feel like a big step, especially if you’re not sure what to expect.

You don’t need to have everything figured out before you begin.

If you’re curious about person-centred counselling, or wondering whether it might be right for you, you’re very welcome to get in touch.

I offer counselling in Norwich and online, and I’d be happy to answer any questions you may have.