When I think about disordered eating in my work, I often notice an emphasis on eating behaviour as something that needs to be altered and controlled.
Meal plans.
Movement changes.
A focus on doing things “right.”
But I often find myself thinking about something else: how our relationship with food can tell us something about how someone relates to themselves, to others, in their emotional world.
Looking beyond food
During my Understanding Your Eating core training with Julia Buckroyd, I was introduced to the idea of understanding eating in relation to attachment.
Since then, I’ve often noticed that when I meet a new client, there can be a certain level of predictability in how early relationships relate to a person’s current relationship with food.
This post’s emphasis on attachment is offered as a potentially helpful lens, rather than a clear explanation or diagnosis.
Attachment Theory explores how our early relationships shape the way we experience:
- closeness
- safety
- emotional need
Over time, we develop patterns, often outside of awareness, around:
- whether it feels safe to rely on others
- how we manage distress
- how we respond to our own needs
These patterns continue into adulthood, shaping how we relate to others and to ourselves.
Attachment patterns (in simple terms)
Broadly speaking, attachment can show up in a few different ways:
Secure
Relationships tend to feel stable and predictable. There is often a sense of self-worth, and an ability to seek support when needed.
Anxious
Relationships can feel uncertain. There may be a fear of abandonment, and a tendency to become highly attuned to others in order to maintain connection.
Avoidant
Relationships may feel overwhelming. There can be a tendency to suppress emotional needs and rely heavily on oneself.
Anxious/Avoidant
A mix of both: seeking closeness, and then pulling away when it begins to feel intense.
Where eating patterns fit
Eating patterns often show up in response to emotional experiences.
Before a binge, restriction, or strong urge around food, many people notice a shift in how they’re feeling. This does not necessarily mean that they feel badly prior to an episode of eating, they may just experience a shift in mood. Some clients, for example, have let me know that they eat whatever way they’re feeling.
Food can become a way of:
- soothing distress
- creating a sense of control
- moving attention away from difficult emotions
There is also a biological element, eating and restriction can both influence endorphins, which can temporarily shift how we feel.
Over time, these patterns can become familiar ways of responding.
How attachment may shape eating
This is not a set of fixed categories, but a way of noticing patterns:
Secure attachment
Feelings are more tolerable, and support can be sought when needed. Eating tends to feel more intuitive and less emotionally driven.
Anxious attachment
- heightened emotional intensity
- sensitivity to relationships
- difficulty self-soothing
Eating may become a way to regulate distress, particularly when linked to loneliness or relational triggers. Patterns can feel cyclical.
Avoidant attachment
- emotional suppression
- discomfort with dependence
- strong self-reliance
Eating may become more controlled or restrictive, with a sense of distance from hunger cues.
Anxious/Avoidant attachment
- conflicting needs around closeness
- emotional overwhelm
Eating patterns may feel more changeable, with cycles of different behaviours and a strong sense of internal tension.
Making sense of it
This way of thinking can help bring understanding to something that often feels confusing.
Many people experience shame in relation to food and their body. When eating patterns are viewed in the context of emotional experience and relationships, they can begin to feel more understandable.
Over time, this can support a shift towards:
- recognising emotional needs
- understanding patterns more clearly
- developing a more compassionate relationship with yourself
A therapeutic perspective
In my work, I don’t focus on identifying a specific attachment style.
Instead, I support people in understanding themselves more deeply, and in coming into a more compassionate relationship with who they are.
Very often, the relationship someone has with food has developed for a reason, and that reason is often survival.
It can be helpful to explore:
- what you are feeling
- what you might be needing
- what the behaviour is doing for you
A final thought
Eating problems are more common than people realise.
They can be understood, and they can change.
With time, it is possible to develop ways of relating to yourself and your needs that feel more steady and supportive.
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