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Why trying to control your eating might be making things feel worse | A Norwich Counsellor Explains

~ Patina Counselling ~ 1 Comment

Why trying to control your eating might be making things feel worse

If control worked, it would have worked by now.

You tell yourself today will be different. You’re going to be “good”. You’ll get your steps in, drink the water, track everything. At first, perhaps you feel steady; Contained, reassured, peaceful, maybe even hopeful.

But by mid-afternoon, something shifts. The cravings come in; persistent, hard to ignore. You have some chocolate.

And almost immediately, something else follows. A wave of guilt. Anxiety. A sense that something has gone wrong. From there, the rules lose their footing. The day takes on a different shape. By evening, you might feel full, uncomfortable, and disconnected from yourself.

And so the cycle continues.
On, off. Trying again. Starting over.

When I sit with clients, I’m often reminded of that game where you guide a metal loop along a wire.
The aim is simple: don’t let it touch the sides.

But the moment it does, you can hear a loud beeping noise. Argh. Back to the beginning.

It’s tense, asks for constant precision, and it’s exhausting to sustain.

So it can be worth asking:

When did this need for control begin?
What was happening at the time?
What does “being in control” actually mean to you?

Because, what if your patterns of eating aren’t failures?

What if something in you is trying to respond: to soothe, to regulate, to manage something that feels difficult to contain? To find joy when life feels heavy? Or grounding when life feels like it’s too exhilarating?

Our relationship with food can tell us a great deal about our relationship with ourselves.

In my experience, our relationship with food is the tip of the ice berg. It’s a symptom, not the problem in and of itself. For example, if you restrict, you might be feeling lost and overwhelmed. Or if you binge, maybe you might need release and more creativity in your life. There might not be a clear answer in this moment, but it can be worth pausing to reflect on what we might be trying to experience outside of a different body type.

When things feel uncertain, or overwhelming, how do we meet ourselves in those moments?

And what might we learn if, instead of tightening control, we became a little more curious about what’s underneath?

Because it may not be about food at all. It may be about how we’re trying to find peace.

Disordered Eating and Attachment: A Relational Perspective

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When I think about disordered eating in my work, I often notice an emphasis on eating behaviour as something that needs to be altered and controlled.

Meal plans.
Movement changes.
A focus on doing things “right.”

Alongside this, I often find myself thinking about something else: how someone relates to themselves, to others, and to their emotional world.

Looking beyond food

During my Understanding Your Eating core training with Julia Buckroyd, I was introduced to the idea of understanding eating in relation to attachment.

Since then, I’ve often noticed that when I meet a new client, there can be a certain level of predictability in how early relationships relate to a person’s current relationship with food.

This offers a lens, rather than an explanation.

Attachment Theory explores how our early relationships shape the way we experience:

  • closeness
  • safety
  • emotional need

Over time, we develop patterns, often outside of awareness, around:

  • whether it feels safe to rely on others
  • how we manage distress
  • how we respond to our own needs

These patterns continue into adulthood, shaping how we relate to others and to ourselves.

Attachment patterns (in simple terms)

Broadly speaking, attachment can show up in a few different ways:

Secure
Relationships tend to feel stable and predictable. There is often a sense of self-worth, and an ability to seek support when needed.

Anxious
Relationships can feel uncertain. There may be a fear of abandonment, and a tendency to become highly attuned to others in order to maintain connection.

Avoidant
Relationships may feel overwhelming. There can be a tendency to suppress emotional needs and rely heavily on oneself.

Anxious/Avoidant
A mix of both: seeking closeness, and then pulling away when it begins to feel intense.

Where eating patterns fit

Eating patterns often show up in response to emotional experiences.

Before a binge, restriction, or strong urge around food, many people notice a shift in how they’re feeling.

Food can become a way of:

  • soothing distress
  • creating a sense of control
  • moving attention away from difficult emotions

There is also a biological element, eating and restriction can both influence endorphins, which can temporarily shift how we feel.

Over time, these eating patterns can become familiar ways of responding.

How attachment may shape eating

This is not a set of fixed categories, but a way of noticing patterns:

Secure attachment
Feelings are more tolerable, and support can be sought when needed. Eating tends to feel more intuitive and less emotionally driven.

Anxious attachment

  • heightened emotional intensity
  • sensitivity to relationships
  • difficulty self-soothing

Eating may become a way to regulate distress, particularly when linked to loneliness or relational triggers. Patterns can feel cyclical.

Avoidant attachment

  • emotional suppression
  • discomfort with dependence
  • strong self-reliance

Eating may become more controlled or restrictive, with a sense of distance from hunger cues.

Anxious/Avoidant attachment

  • conflicting needs around closeness
  • emotional overwhelm

Eating patterns may feel more changeable, with cycles of different behaviours and a strong sense of internal tension.

Making sense of it

This way of thinking can help bring understanding to something that often feels confusing.

Many people experience shame in relation to food and their body. When eating patterns are viewed in the context of emotional experience and relationships, they can begin to feel more understandable.

Over time, this can support a shift towards:

  • recognising emotional needs
  • understanding patterns more clearly
  • developing a more compassionate relationship with yourself

A therapeutic perspective

In my work, I don’t focus on identifying a specific attachment style.

Instead, I support people in understanding themselves more deeply, and in coming into a more compassionate relationship with who they are.

Very often, the relationship someone has with food has developed for a reason, and that reason is often survival.

It can be helpful to explore:

  • what you are feeling
  • what you might be needing
  • what the behaviour is doing for you

A final thought

Eating problems are more common than people realise.

They can be understood, and they can change.

With time, it is possible to develop ways of relating to yourself and your needs that feel more steady and supportive.