Hey. So. Today we’re talking about narcissism.

Trigger warning: narcissistic abuse and eating disorders.

Narcissism is a bit of a buzzword in the counselling scene at the moment. You’ve probably heard of it, if you’re unlucky you might have experienced it, and, if you’re struggling with problems with your eating behaviour, then statistically speaking, there is an especially good chance that you might have survived it.

Narcissism is characterised as excessive self-interest. Someone characterised by narcissism has a desire to attain and preserve reputation at the expense of anything and anyone who might pose a threat. While there can be overlaps in behaviour, this is different from emotional immaturity, where an individual has problems regulating their emotional responses.

Narcissism looks like: a person who consistently acts one way in public (often nicely) and another behind closed doors (often horribly). Narcissism is considered a trauma response. A narcissist is an individual who didn’t get an opportunity to build a sense of their inner world as a child, and so as an adult relies heavily on the people around them to affirm their identity. They often have a ‘source’; someone they spend a lot of time with and focus on to try and control to have their emotional needs met. Narcissists have expectations for the people they spend time with, and if you don’t meet those specific requirements, they will withhold their love and punish you in whatever way they have available to them. Whether through stonewalling (ignoring for extended periods of time), verbal abuse, withholding affection, or attempts to socially ostracize you, they will seek to inflict emotional pain for any perceived slight.

Narcissists function as two different types: grandiose and vulnerable. Grandiose narcissists believe that they’re better than everyone else and deserve special treatment. They’re prone to bullying other people into submission. Vulnerable narcissists believe that they’re really nice, misunderstood victims. They’re prone to guilting other people into submission. Either way, narcissists are thinking about themselves and putting their wants and desires first.

There are a couple of great books on the topic of narcissism if you want to do further research. What I’m hoping to do today is look at the effects of narcissism on the survivors of them, and what impact it might have on their eating behaviours.

How do I know if I’ve survived a narcissist?

The truth is, oftentimes people don’t. They might just notice that they’re extremely anxious, unsure of themselves and who they are, and incredibly drained. Have you noticed that you’ve wanted to sleep for weeks? Do you feel like your life force is seeping away from you every time they’re in proximity? Do you feel like you can’t do anything right? Like you’re a monster? Do you feel like you’re in a state of confusion? Then there is a good chance you’ve experienced a narcissist.

Narcissists thrive on confusion. They hold grudges indefinitely. They go out of their way to misunderstand you. You want to talk about your feelings and how they hurt you? Well, you hurt them! You’re always hurting them! You’re so selfish!

This is an illustration of a classic, well used tactic referred to as DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. You raise a concern? They deny that it’s true, attack you of what you’re suggesting they did, and then say that, actually, they’re the victim.

Not everyone who uses the DARVO method is a narcissist; they might just be emotionally immature, but if you notice this as a pattern and the person you’re communicating with consistently avoids accountability at all possible cost, then there’s a good chance you’re trying to communicate with someone who cares more about the idea they have of themselves than they do of you and your experience.

The impact of the narcissism in terms of eating problems varies, but there does tend to be a trend.

Survivors will try and use food as a way of trying to gain a sense of control after their sense of self has been stripped away from them. For example, they might restrict until they feel ‘good enough,’ or they might use food as a way to comfort themselves and soothe the pain that being consistently emotionally neglected and misunderstood has caused.

Narcissistic abuse leaves the sufferer feeling empty, confused, and in a state of shock.

When your emotional boundaries have been consistently overstepped (or just trashed), it makes sense that food would be used as a way to regain a sense of autonomy. We feel safety, or lack of it, in our stomach. Food is an incredibly effective tool for either regrounding the stomach (by creating a weight in the gut where there may be a void), or as a way of creating emptiness in a stomach that may feel void. So, it makes complete sense that we may seek emptiness or fullness in the place where our emotional anchor would usually be. Equally, people struggling with bulimia may have found that they’re in such a state of confusion that the only way they know how to deal with the pain is to fill their stomachs up and then empty them again in a seemingly endless cycle.

The good news there is a way to rebalance and regulate again.

If you could benefit from support, reach out to me and we can arrange a 20 minute free introductory call. Talking really, really helps.